Her Body Image

As a woman I have always wanted to look my best. I was always in shape and had my hair, eyelashes, and pedicure done regularly. I wasn’t able to get my nails done due to working in the operating room but I would have had those done as well. I was running up to 4 miles a day on the beach. I was slim and felt good and had lots of energy. I took pride in my appearance and I hoped that would rub off on my daughter. Paytyn used to be a chubby kid but now as a teenager she has filled out and looks great! She isn’t slim like I was at her age she is (how does she say it?) thick!

Since the work incident and after being so depressed I was put on meds and I didn’t leave my room for a month I have gained so much weight. I am sure most of it is from sitting in bed not doing anything but crying and watching TV but I think some of it is the meds. I haven’t had an appetite in a year and I barely eat so I don’t get how I am gaining weight.

Everyone tried to tell me I’m not fat but I know how much i have gained and the first day I realized how big I had gotten I decided to go for a walk and I made it two houses down and my back started hurting so much I had to crawl home. They say for every pound you are overweight it adds 6 lbs. of pressure onto your lower back. It took me almost another month to be able to do anything out of my bed without my back killing me. I knew I had to do something about this but eating healthy was out of the question because I have no appetite and forcing myself to eat anything just made me nauseous. So, I decided to try yoga. I got all the yoga equipment but when I started watching YouTube videos, I realized just how inflexible I had become and I couldn’t do the poses right at all and being a perfectionist, I just gave up. Next, I bought an exercise ball and that really helped until my kids thought it was a damn toy and popped the damn thing. Just a quick note: at this point worker’s comp. was only paying me like every other week and we were getting evicted and having to move back to my home town. So, buying another ball was not an option. I got really down about being so big and went back to staying in bed. We move back to west Virginia and my mom says something to me along the lines of wow Arin you look healthier. Come on mom just say IM FAT! She just suggested that we should walk together and I agreed.

I decided to take a look at my daughter again and she gave me the motivation I needed to not only get up and walk the trail but to start making myself eat better and that in turn changed my metabolism so that slowly my appetite came back. I am nowhere near the size I want to be but I really think when I look in the mirror that I look better and hopefully better will turn to seeing myself as beautiful even if i can’t get back to my post-trauma weight!

Ladies and gentlemen, we can’t let society dictate to us what beautiful is because everyone is beautiful in their own way and me must help others to that in themselves and not shame people for being too big or too small or their boobs are too big or too small and their chosen hair style or clothing style that makes them happy, we should encourage them and tell them that they looking GREAT today! We are the only ones that can make a change and as long as we love ourselves others will see our beauty as well!

I have always wanted to be a good role model for my daughter but now a days she has become mine. She doesn’t worry about what other kids say about her, she truly loves herself and loves the way she looks. She is beautiful inside and out. Dating her is not that important, she tells me that she wants to work on herself before she worries about getting in a relationship with boys. I used to tell her all the time that she was worth waiting for so if a boy can’t wait to get involved with her then he isn’t good enough for her. She takes what I say to heart and it really sticks with her. I think I should start taking my own advice, when I tell her as long as she is beautiful in her own eyes then people will see her beauty as well.